I have been AWOL for almost a year.  A lot has happened in that time.  In some blog/s to come I will tell you about some of what has happened.  Something I read months ago has been rolling around in my head so here goes. 

Facebook is truly a marvel. It can be used for so many things. Sending love, birthday wishes, expressing out thoughts of the moment, making fun of human nature etc. etc. etc.

One thing I really like about Facebook is that I have friends who are diverse.  We are different in so many ways color, age, location, political views, economic status, educational status, work and so on.  I love having friends who help me to see things in different way.  Sometimes, however, while I get the point, I don't particularly agree with the point.  Today's blog highlights one of those times. 

I was minding my own Facebook business, scrolling, when I came upon this meme by Katha Pollitt.  She is a highly educated writer.  She has contributed to The New Yorker, and, The Atlantic, The New Republic, Harper’s, Ms., Glamour, Mother Jones, The New York Times  the London Review of Books. She has appeared on NPR’s Fresh Air and All Things Considered, Charlie Rose, The McLaughlin Group, CNN, Dateline NBC and the BBC. Her work has been republished in many anthologies and is taught in many university classes. *taken from The Nation for which she is a columnist.  She's smart and well received.  Yet I can't help but take exception to her view on the Ten Commandments. Feel free to look it or her up. Her meme quote says:

"When  you consider that God could have commanded anything He wanted, anything! the Ten Commandments have got to rank as one of the great missed moral opportunities of all time.  How different history would have been if He had clearly and unmistakably forbidden war, tyranny, taking over other people's countries, slavery, exploitation of workers, cruelty to children, wife beating, stoning, treating women or anyone as chattel or inferior beings."

One of the first things that sticks out to me is her use of the word moral. Dictionary.com defines moral as:

1.of, relating to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical:

moral attitudes.

2.

expressing or conveying truths or counsel as to right conduct, as a speaker or a literary work.

3.

founded on the fundamental principles of right conduct rather than on legalities, enactment, or custom:

The left love to claim the moral high ground even against their Creator. Because they have the moral high ground no one can tell them differently.  Not even God.   

The second word is history.  Holy Cow, part and parcel of the moral high ground is history.  "History will judge", or "you will be on the wrong side of history" is a threat they throw out.  Gasp, not that, please, no.  You mean people who don't know me after I am dead may judge me?  Oh, how will I live with myself?  Yeah, I won't.  I will be dead and won't give a flying crap what people think so give it a rest.  Like history is a living being that can punish me. Marian, I am going to need to you sit down and think about what you've done. Said history, never.

I am not as educated as Ms. Pollitt.  I don't think I have to be to disagree with her premise that God missed an opportunity to be clear.  First, to the Israelite people the commandments were clear. Second, if one thinks they are clear.  But one has to think but really not that hard.

So, here are a few of my thoughts regarding the Ten Commandments.  If you want to read them for yourself they can be found in Exodus chapter 20 in the Old Testament.

Let's look at number one shall we?  Thou shall have no other gods before me.  A god can take many forms. Whether an actual idol or god other than the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  It can be our being prideful.  Thinking we know better than God.  Putting our own thoughts and ideas up a pedestal to be admired by us and others.  Prideful people tend to be selfish, and unkind, feeling they are better than others which can lead them to think it's OK to hurt and oppress.
 
Two warns us to not take the Lord's name in vain.  How about we don't think of it as just using the Lord's name as a swear word.  But how about not using the Lord to justify your actions.  No using his name to try to create a reason that you are allowed to do bad things.

How about number three?  Keep the Sabbath day holy.  It's supposed to be a day where we can rest from our routine labors and focus on the Lord.  We're not to work or have those who work for us work on that day.  What constitutes work is left up to us to decide.  But if we are focusing on the Lord on the day of rest and doing his work our minds and hearts will be softened, open to inspiration from Him.

Let's look at honoring our parents.  Part of honoring is showing love and respect.  Loving and respectful people are kind to others and do what is right.

Let's move on to the very clear ones. Thou shalt not kill. I don't think I have to go in too deeply, right?  Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.  You know don't lie, steal, or kill or commit adultery. People who obey these commandments are good and kind people.  They have learned to control their emotions and their passions which makes them very unlikely to hurt others. 

  Lastly, let's take a look here. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.  To covet isn't just to want one of your own but to want their specific house, or wife or anything that belongs to someone other than you.  To want something that isn't yours so much that you are willing to fight, kill, lie etc. is a problem.  People who steer clear of other's things, who seek after their own and practice good will toward others who have more or different are people you can trust. 

He did forbidden war, thou shall not kill, tyranny, thou shalt covet or have other Gods, taking over other people's countries, thou shalt not covet, slavery, thou shalt not use t he name of God in vain, thou shalt not covet, exploitation of workers keep the Sabbath day holy, cruelty to children, honor thy father and mother, wife beating, thou shalt have no other gods, stoning thou shalt not kill , treating women or anyone as chattel or inferior beings thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain, thou shalt not lie. I am positive there are other ways to link these bad acts to not keeping the top ten commandments.  I know that people who are honestly striving to keep the commandments are good salt of the earth people.   

They are the kind of people who try to live their lives like this: The 13th article of faith from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

  Following the Ten Commandments will get us there.  That is the point of them, really, to help us to be higher and better people. 

Today's topic, why I cannot vote for Donald Trump.  Or how I see through the B.S. my own way and not the way everyone seems to think I should.  Donald Trump is dangerous, a bit crazy and a bit orange.  The dangerous and crazy are the best reasons to not vote for him, the orange is a slice of superficial.

There are a lot of people on the left who are very vocal and in their disdain and distrust for DT.  Hey, I just noticed his initials are a severe medical problem.  I don't want to spend 4 years going through the DTs. I digress.  Those on the left claim Trump is a xenophobe and a racist.  They worry about his stance on immigration, Muslims and Hispanics.  I do to.  Again, he is crazy.  What no one on the left manages to recognize or admit to is that Donald Trump has spent more time supporting democrats and the policies of the left than he as ever spent supporting those on the right.  He was a registered democrat as of 2009, has posed for pictures with the Clintons and says he has never met George W. Bush.  I am not a Bush fan either but to claim that you are on the right but are seen and photographed with the left is very ODD. I really enjoy the antics of the left regarding Trump.  They prove to me how disconnected democrats are from reality.  Donald Trump is the epitome of the left and their behavior.  Do as I say not as I do and their desire to control everyone.  It cracks me up that they refuse to see it and of course makes me sad that they are that unaware. 

Another annoying trait he has is his thin skin. I wonder if it was brought on by on the spray tan versus being a spoiled little rich boy.  I don't know for sure. Other than our current president, I can't think of another politician with such a low threshold for getting his panties in a wad.  Honestly, Trump is unable to cope with even mild critique. I can only imagine the money he's lost through his inability to cope with negative feedback.  He is a big, huge baby. 

He supports left wing causes, Planned Parenthood being a prime example.  Now, that he has donned sheep's clothing he eschews so much of his ideology and causes that don't jive with conservative values. I don't trust him as far as I could throw him. Although, I could potentially throw him pretty far, what with the hair picking up wind currents and all.

He claims he has played the political game of giving to both parties.  But then claims he can't be bought.  Buying and selling is what he does. It's what he understands and how he knows to function in life. So, pardon the pun, I don't buy it. 

I can't believe we wasted a moment of time discussing his man parts.  In my opinion he's one big man part and that's really all we need to know. 

He claims to love the bible and yet doesn't know 2 Corinthians is pronounced second Corinthians which, let's face it, is pretty basic.  I don't need a president to be a gospel scholar.  I need a president to be honest.  He isn't religious, states he sees no need to repent and I believe he said something to the effect that we don't need Christ to save us, he, Trump, will.  To look good he claims to be a Christian and that he loves the bible.  I don't need a president to try to look good but to be good.  And although I am a staunch Christian and have a deep and abiding faith in my Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ, I know you don't have to be religious to be good.  There are a lot of people who, to quote a secular humanist friend, are "good for goodness sake."  I just need a president to be good for any reason. 

DT keeps talking big but is very vague on how he will accomplish anything.  He just talks about getting things done but has no concrete answer as to how.  He just says he will make America great again. Super, just what we need more hope and change.

I have many more reasons that I cannot vote for Trump.  The last one I will talk about in this post is his desire to rule by fiat.  I think he will be bad for our constitution and the rights it guarantees.  I think he will roll over anything that doesn't get him what he wants in the moment.  No matter that in the next moment he will want something else.  Like a big baby. 

I do not worry that not voting for him is a vote for Hillary or Sanders.  I cannot with a clean conscience vote for him.  There is no lesser of two evils.  I will be able to walk away with clean hands and know that I will be able to say "don't blame me, I didn't vote for any of them."

I will end with a poem I wrote, it took me just a few minutes and seeing as how I am no Elizabeth Barret Browning I don't expect it will become famous.  I am OK with that.  I wrote it for myself but being a giver I have shared it and will continue to do so.

 Donald Trump, your face is so orange, your windblown hair so combed over, you speak like a fool and have thin skin. I can't believe you actually might win. I keep hoping to wake up from a bad, bad dream. You're a wolf in sheep's clothing so not what you seem. To you it's huge or tremendous, and all you do is win. But no matter what you say or who you fool I can't vote for you, a horrible sin.

Today's topic the Oscars.  I am not weighing in on the racial divide.  But I will weigh in on the how ridiculous we are over the Oscars.  Not just the Oscars but all the awards and shows about awards. I am told there are 67 different entertainment award shows.  67.  These shows are for the most self congratulatory group of people on planet earth. Most of them are for people who are pretending to be someone else.  "Look at me, I can pretend to be someone better than you can pretend. And I have a prize to prove it! Yay for me!"

Let me start of by saying I get as star struck as the next girl and enjoy a good performance. I would love to meet some of my favorite actors or singers. I love it when someone can move me to tears or laughter through their portrayals. And do you know how we can all show our appreciation?  By attending their movie, play or concert.  We can buy their music, sing their songs in the shower and support them by purchasing their work.  

But, for Hollywood etc. our money and adulation aren't enough.  No, no, no.  They must get prizes for doing a good job, kind of like when a toddler gets a gold star when they poop on the potty.  Our entertainers want something gold too, an Oscar.  And I guess that is OK on the face of it. But do you know how much the Oscars cost last year?  38.3 million.  Let that sink in for a minute.  And remember there are 67 different award shows, I am sure most cost less per year, let's say a modest 15 million and let's times that by 66.  That's about 100,000,000.  ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS FOR A YEAR! Grant you I am guessing and estimating but regardless I cannot be off but for a few million.  Let's even say I am off by half, what the heck.  50,000,000 would go a long way to feed and house the poor, or pay teachers, firemen and police.  But instead it is spent so we can watch some one get a prize for pretending, dancing or singing. Come on!

Those in Hollywood already lead and live lavish lives from the money they earn for the work they do.  They have mansions, cars. clothes and jewelry.  They have adoring fans.  But this isn't enough they need more. So, they give each other prizes of being the best pretender. 

A while back the women of the View insulted the nursing profession.  And suffered a backlash on a national level.  Their foolish comments are what started my thinking about this issue.  The women of The View feel because they are good pretenders or good at making people laugh that their opinions and ideas hold more merit than the rest of us "little people".  This is a problem when someone believes their popularity means they are right.  Or that they should get a prize for being the best pretender.

A lot of actors get to portray the true story about the life of a hero. They pretend to be a doctor, cop or teacher or soldier.  They pretend to save the planet.  The don't actually do it they just pretend to.  The stars pretend to be the heroes.  That is all.  Some can sing or dance beautifully, and we can thank them by purchasing their work.  So, why oh, why do they need a prize? 

I would love to see Hollywood wake up and take the money they spend awarding themselves and do something really worthwhile like feed, clothe and house the homeless.  Pay the salaries for our police, teachers and firemen.  You know the real heroes not the pretend ones.

Today's topic, refugees.  Or how crazy we are over them.  Let me preface by saying I don't know the right answer.  What you say, Marian doesn't know what she thinks?  That's insane!!  I know that it's right to help one another.  I also know it's right to want to be kept safe. 

First, I am over all the emotional blackmail.  Don't give me any crap about how if I am a good Christian then I will obviously support taking in refugees.  Whether I am a good Christian or not isn't up to anyone but me and my Savior.  So, quit trying to make me feel guilty, you are just irritating me.  You don't get to decide how I serve others or when or whom.  I do.  And I try to be in tune the Lord to make good choices.  Unless I ask for your help I don't need it, thanks.

I love how so many who's mantra is don't judge over this or that have NO problem being judgmental.  Hypocrites.  They think it's OK for them to judge, after all, they think they are right.  They love to quote scripture, Judge not that ye be not judged.  Let me break that down for you.  There is nothing wrong with judging right from wrong. There is something wrong with treating people poorly because of what you deem as wrong behavior.  That, my friends, is the judgment we are to avoid.  So, all the mocking and bullying and name calling is all judgment.  On either side of this issue. 

I keep seeing things saying all the refugees are innocent victims because they are refugees.  Look, let's not be naïve.  I don't for one second believe all the refugees are lovely people.  There are good and bad, always.  We know that bad people have come here under the guise of being refugees.  And we know that good people have come here too.  Don't try to make it all or none.  It never is and anyone who says differently is either a liar or a fool.

Then there is the crowd who calls for us to take care of our veterans first.  We should be taking care of them.  They have given us more than we can repay.  We should be ashamed of how they are managed by our government and that we allow it to continue.  That being said, this is America, we can do both.  So, don't give me any crap about doing one or the other. 

So, here is what I suggest, and I am not being sarcastic, snotty or "take that".  I am sincere.  If you want to help the homeless veterans and it means so much to you, take them into your home.  If you want to help the refugees and it means so much to you take them into your home.  Or, and here is a snarky part, forever be labeled a NIMBA.  If you don't know, NIMBA is an acronym meaning "not in my back yard".  Those are the people who demand this that or the other but don't want to be personally inconvenienced.  Hypocrites. 

So, here is the deal if you want to help don't spend your time on social media mocking or posting articles condemning those with whom you don't agree.  Take that time to find a place to volunteer or a trusted agency to give funds.  Or prepare your home to accept someone in need.  What have I done you ask? That's none of your business.  Just as it's none of my business what you do. Suffice it to say I have done something and will continue to do something.  To sum up instead of fighting and telling people how bad they are get off you butt and do something worthwhile. 

Today's topic: Best laid plans.  My plan when I started this blog was to write about things that I care about, but to not be too political or religious.  Just because I didn't want to feel like I was beating a drum all the time.  It was slow coming to me, but I realized that the things I am passionate about are things dear to me.  Like my liberty and my faith.  So, I am kind of stuck but not in a bad way.

I have had a true story from my life on my mind and thought that it is time that I wrote it down and shared it.  It isn't an amazing story, like I lifted a burning car off of a child or discovered the cure for cellulite.  However, in the moment that this happened I was amazed and sad.  You will understand why when you read.

Let me take you first to the scriptures and the parable of The Ten Virgins.   I had the opportunity to live this parable, at least in part.  The parable can be found in Matthew  25:1-13.  The upshot of the parable is that the Bridegroom, (Jesus Christ) is coming and we are to be prepared, spiritually for His coming (oil in our lamps, or faith).  The 5 wise get into the marriage feast and the 5 foolish are out trying to buy oil failing to make it in time.  The reason the 5 foolish are left out is not because the 5 wise are mean.  It seems so when they say no we can't give you our oil.  But if you look at oil as faith, how at the last minute can I give my belief, my faith to someone unprepared?  I can't just pluck it out of my heart and mind and hand it over.  It doesn't work that way.  

I want to tell you in living this parable that I was wise.  But that would be a lie and though I may be foolish, I am not a liar.  I also hope I can convey to you what I mean when I say I lived it.

We had been warned that a bad winter storm was coming.  In North Carolina a bad storm can stop everything.  My dad has always cautioned me to keep at least half a tank of gas.  In case of emergency you can get somewhere or hit the road quickly without having to gas up.  I do shift work and was working every day leading up to the storm.  I also lived very close to work and could get there with the gas gauge on E for days.  I am not happy to admit that this was a common practice of mine.  Knowing that the storm was coming and with my dad's caution on my mind every day on my way in and every evening on my way home I felt prompted to get gas.  My younger sister and a medical student were living with me at the time and they told me that they too felt they should get gas since all three of us were on E. 

By prompted I mean a feeling more than, "Hey maybe I should do this thing."  But a real fervent inward feeling that I should be prepared and every morning and every evening I chose to ignore this prompting.  My only excuse is a poor one because we should never ignore a prompting.  At the time my work was really, really busy, difficult and stressful.  I worked 13-14 hour days and would use the bathroom before I left and when I got home.  Lunches would be gulped down in minutes so I could return to work.  And at the time it seemed that I would run from crisis to crisis for the whole 13-14 hour shift.  So when I left work I was so tired the thought of getting gas was stressful and in the morning I wanted as much time to sleep as I could muster.

My promptings come to me in several ways.  Sometimes they are my own inner voice.  (Don't tell me you don't have one and that I am just hearing voices.)  There have been a few choice times in my life that the prompting has been a still, small voice.  This wasn't one of those still, small voice times.  It was my inner voice, but I knew the prompting was more than my just own thinking.

Know that I chose to ignore the prompting and rationalized why by going over my excuse.  I was tired and work was stressful, blah, blah, blah.  The day the storm really hit was a day off and I was sure I could just get gas then. 

The storm came and it was bad, we were out of power for days.  As we lay in bed (my sister and I together to share our body heat) we could hear the crashing of trees/tree limbs all around us from the weight of the ice. The next morning, being intrepid, I decided to go get gas, on E.  To my surprise the gas station near my home didn't have power, so no pumping gas.  I traveled further and further afield looking for gas.  I finally found a station with power and filled up. I had to wait in line, sweating bullets waiting my turn.  I knew by that point I was literally running on fumes.

Later that day I took the medical student to get gas.  She had spent the night in the hospital and had come home to sleep so it was early afternoon before we set out. This is where my moment really happened, you see I needed to be told twice.  Once when I got gas for my self and again when I got gas with the student.

So there we were on a street with several gas stations and power and not too far from home.  A win, win, win, right?   It was frigidly, icy cold.  So many cars were trying to get gas the police were there to direct traffic and help with the lights that were out, (there were only patches of power).  The police were cold and cranky.  It was much more dramatic than my morning's frantic search for gas.  On the main street cars were lined up, all the lanes, for blocks and blocks and blocks in both directions, and from every side street, trying to get gas.  Unwittingly, we had approached incorrectly.  There was no way for us to know this other than the cold, angry, exasperated officer directing traffic filling us in on how we should have come.

He was not a happy camper.  In the moment I was mad at him but time and hindsight have helped me to see he was doing the best he could trying to not freeze while keeping the public safe.  We figured out how to go and wound up going the right way and a very gracious motorist allowed us in the line of hundreds to get gas.

It was here that I was struck so forcefully.  I realized I had been told all my life to be prepared, to have oil in my lamp to be ready for the coming of the Savior.  There I sat in line with all the other foolish, unprepared souls trying to get gas after the fact.  It was this temporal moment of being unprepared with gas and being witness to cars full of people, as far as the eye could see, waiting in line to put "oil" in their lamps.  It was devastating to see myself there.  I recognize that it was just me not having gas in the car, but the symbolism really hit me.  There I was foolish and unprepared for an event that I had been told by my earthly father to have what I might need ready. Likewise, my Heavenly Father has given me warning after warning to put oil in my lamp, to prepare for the day that the Savior returns.  So that I won't be left out searching for what I may need in the moment.

Speaking of what we need in the moment, I spoke with my sister to try to make sure my timeline was close to correct since this event happened so long ago.   She reminded me of other things I hadn't mentioned that really have no bearing on the parable part but were nice.  We were out of power for almost a week.  We were also lucky enough that our aunt in a near by town had power the day after the storm so we were able to stay with her family.   I worked a night shift the next week and decided to sleep at my freezing house after work.  

When I woke up hungry I tried to think of what I had available to eat that didn't require cooking.  I kept circling back to peanut butter and jelly but knew there was no milk.  I kept looping that around until, reluctant and hungry, I decided I would eat a p and j with, sigh, water.  When I opened the fridge to get the jelly, it was like a Christmas miracle!  There was a whole gallon of unopened milk staring at me!  My sister had bought milk before the storm but I hadn't known.  Oh what a tasty sandwich and big ol' glass milk I had!  And to my further joy, since I love milk, she wouldn't drink it because it hadn't been refrigerated.  The house was a refrigerator it hadn't made it above 30 degrees since the storm so I swigged every drop of that milk.  The next week in the hospital was a trial, just kidding, I was fine and so was the milk. 

I hope this will inspire you in some way.  To see that a moment of being physically unprepared made me aware of the need for spiritual preparedness.  How horrible if felt to be foolish and unprepared after being warned and warned.  And also, knowing, KNOWING what I should do and deciding that it wasn't convenient.  Letting my self rationalize my behaviour.  A long time ago I had a friend tell me that when we rationalize we tell ourselves, rational lies.  It is so true how easy it can be to forget what we have been taught for what seems good or convenient now. 

Today's topic God, the master of engineering and science. The inspiration for this post was a movie trailer I saw recently.  It's about the Exodus.  Depicted in the trailer was the parting of the Red Sea.  I thought about that and remembered that the scriptures tell us the children of Israel walked on dry ground (Exodus 14:22).  There was no mud, no puddles left to step in or over, just dry ground.  The significance of this is passed over (no pun intended) by many of us.  We don't recognize that our Father in Heaven is a expert scientist and a master engineer.

There are really smart people all over the planet that minimize Heavenly Father and His scientific mind and engineering genius.  Because they do not understand that He understands the laws of science perfectly and can use them to command the elements.  So much so that He could not only part the waters of the Red Sea but cause that the water molecules were completely separated from the grains of sand. 

 I was raised by a real live scientist.  He works with in the nuclear field and understands science on level that most of the of us just don't.  My dad is a dedicated, educated scientist who also has a clear and absolute faith in our Father in Heaven.  He has no problem with science and religion mixing and mingling.  

"There are people in this world who pit science against religion.  They seem to think that the two are mutually exclusive and that truth belongs in either one realm or the other.  In actuality, science and religion are not mutually exclusive.  They are each part of one great whole.  Truth, no matter where it is found, is part of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and that includes scientific truth and the laws of nature." Quote by J.A. brilliant woman extraordinaire.

One of things I have thought about that tell me the above is true is this; God the Father tells Adam in Genesis 3:19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.  The prophets that recorded the scriptures didn't know what we know now, which is we are indeed dust,  the elements found in dirt are what we are composed of.  Calcium, potassium, salt, pepper (not really pepper just checking to see if you were paying attention) magnesium, iron etc. all play a part in our bodies and how they work.  Through scientific discovery we know this but the men who recorded the scriptures didn't.  They had no way to know we truly come from the dust of the ground.  But, God our Heavenly Father knew because He perfectly understands and uses the laws of science and because of this can do all things.  And despite all we know about science compared with our Father in Heaven we are like toddlers learning about our environment while trying not fall flat on our tails.

Another thing from the scriptures is God speaking to Cain after Cain slew Abel, his brother. Genesis 4:9 And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper?  10 And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground. To this day verse 9 is the most quoted and we talk being our brothers keeper often.  But, I want to look at  verse 10 thy brothers blood crieth unto me from the ground.  For just a moment think about what we do with blood evidence.  We have used blood evidence for centuries in some way.  The saying  "blood on your hands" isn't new.  But today, we use the blood of crime victims or criminals routinely for identification or to prove something.  The importance of blood evidence can make or break a case and today as with the days of Cain and Abel, blood can absolutely cry from the ground for justice.  I submit the Lord saying that Abel's blood was crying from the ground is not just a turn of phrase but what blood can tell us was something our Father already knew.  I am not surprised by this because I recognize that He knows all things even things we cannot imagine or comprehend. Just as someone from a different century would be completely lost in our present day even more are we when compared with the knowledge and ability of God.

"...The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator." Alma 30:44.  I was trying to think of a way to phrase this and couldn't think of anything better than this from the book of Alma.  I am astounded at how hard some are willing to work to try to disprove what Alma tells us.  It is really so simple and clear, if one has sense, to see that there is proof aplenty that there is God in the Heavens who engineered the Earth for us to use to learn upon. 

"Heavenly Father is the source of all truth, scientific and otherwise, and He operates within the bounds of natural law (whether He created that law or not is a moot point---natural law exists and He works within it).  Indeed, He uses natural law to fulfill His purposes, and He delights in our efforts to learn more about the universe and how it operates and functions.  Unfortunately, we sometimes don't understand the results of scientific research, or we incorrectly interpret the results.  It is important that in the search for any truth, we keep an open mind and are willing to listen to new evidence and testimony."

"Indeed, Heavenly Father encourages us to use scientific methods not only for temporal questions, but spiritual ones as well.  He does not expect or desire "blind faith" when it comes to scientific theories or spiritual beliefs.  He does expect, or hope, that we will "experiment" upon His words and test the truthfulness of any given idea or belief.  Then, once we've noted the end results (honestly and sincerely), we will know "the truth of all things."  God's plan is a plan for spiritual scientists---men and women willing to try, test, experiment, and observe in order to learn gospel truths "  Quote by J.A. still brilliant woman extraordinaire.

 My goal is always to be thought provoking.  I do not blog to change minds but to try to encourage anyone who reads this blog to think.  I won't lie that I wouldn't love it if I got others to believe as I do or to think like I think but more than that to just think.  Use your minds, the power of observation and experiment to find truth in your life and see where it takes you!

Today's topic my take on ordaining women to the priesthood.  Some of you may be aware that there has recently been a media spotlight on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints regarding the ordination of women to our priesthood.  There have been many of my faith giving their thoughts and ideas on this topic.  For a while I wasn't sure I would weigh in, but we all know I can't keep my mouth shut so I will give my two cents.

My disclaimer, I don't speak for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I am stating my own thoughts and ideas.  I may say some of the same things you have already read or heard.  So, don't think me a plagiarizer if you see similarities.  I would love to think that there are those who see things the same way as I and have better things to do with my time than steal.   Also, I don't expect anyone who isn't a member of our church to fully comprehend our faith.  But, try to keep an open mind while reading and if you find fault please, lay the fault at my door and not at my church's. 

Let me speak to you as I would a member of my church or rather explain to you how a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints understands things.  Firstly, if one is a member there are certain things we believe to be true.  One of those things is that Jesus Christ lives and that this is His church established again in the latter days.  The prophet is the Lord's mouth piece he conducts the affairs of the church according to revelation from the Lord.  Another thing is that as members we are encouraged to look at doctrine to ask questions and to pray for answers.  We are never told to blindly follow.  If someone tells you that we are to told to blindly follow they are either lying or don't know what they are talking about. We believe the priesthood is the power by which the Lord created the Heavens and the Earth and those that hold the priesthood have the authority to speak and to act in God's name.  Lastly, we have been promised that if the prophet should ever lead the church astray he would be removed from his place.  See below:

President Wilford Woodruff declared that we can have full confidence in the direction the prophet is leading the Church: “The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty” Official Declaration 1. 

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I feel a sense of peace from that statement.  Does that mean that I think the prophet is infallible?  No, but neither do I believe that he is a bumbling sexist fool.  I have faith that if the prophet were fallible enough to attempt to lead us astray the Lord would indeed remove him from his place. 

 I am not very sympathetic toward the Ordain Women group.  If one truly believes that this is Christ church and that He is the head why are they petitioning the prophet to allow the ordination of women?  Why aren't they giving themselves to much fasting and prayer, supplicating the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to ordain them?  I can't help but wonder if they want media attention or feel that public pressure will change the prophet's mind.  I can't figure them out, if they truly believe the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints then they know that the Church is our Savior's and He never did bow to pressure.  So, I conclude that they either don't believe, which is fine with me, they can believe as they wish, or they think they know better. I do have a problem with them thinking they know better.  If you think you know better than the Lord how to run His church then take it up with Him.  Don't go around whining and bemoaning your fate at the hands of men seeking sympathy for your supposed oppression.  No one is making them stay,  If they feel that the church is wrong then they should go and find what will make them happy.  I don't even mean that snarky.  I want those from OW to be happy and if they aren't happy or fulfilled in our church there are many others to choose from.

 I have never been accused of being a mouse.  I tend to refer to myself as having a strong personality.  This is lieu of the word that women like me get called a lot, and mostly by other women.  I am sure you can figure out the word I mean but in case not it rhymes with glitch.  Anyway, my point is that I am not very likely to stand back and let anyone man or woman walk on me or tell me how to think.  That never goes well.  So, the notion that I am oppressed because I don't hold the priesthood doesn't fly with me.  I am only as oppressed as I let myself be.  

There have been many arguments made pro and con women holding the priesthood.  Please feel free to check the web for arguments for and against. If the Lord wants me to hold the priesthood then I will, if He doesn't then I won't. I don't get the hoopla.  I will say that the OW movement seems to be saying that we women aren't equal or that they don't feel equal in the church. Some people get confused and assume equality means sameness.  I am not the same as a man, or frankly, another woman.  I have no thought that my value is less or more because of my sex.  I am what and who I am and feel sorry for those who aren't happy within themselves.  Ah, perhaps this is the answer to the hoopla, being unhappy has caused them to try to fix themselves by demanding something that someone else has that seems better, then they will feel fulfilled and all will be well.  Right? 
 
I have noticed there are a lot of people in and out of the church very concerned about what others have that they do not.  Very concerned.  I feel that sometimes they spend so much time worrying about what they don't have that they don't fully appreciate or use what is already theirs.  Like a kid who is focused on getting a new toy because so and so down the street has one, but they aren't playing with the toys they already have. I do that too, but people come on, let it go!!

One of the arguments for the ordination of women is that what if there is no man to provide a priesthood blessing, let's say, in case of some kind of emergency.  There is no other way to gain Heavenly assistance?  Are they suggesting that the Lord won't hear or answer my prayers because I am not a man?  So now the Lord is sexist?  I am not kidding I really feel that is what OW is telling me.  Out of all the things I have heard or read this is what makes me angry.  The irony is they don't get that they are diminishing themselves, they don't need a man to do it for them.  I refute the idea that my womanhood makes less in the sight of the Lord completely and never and I mean never have seen this in practice or in the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 
 
I want to address the excommunication.  Yes, Katie Kelly, the leader of the Ordain Women movement was excommunicated.  People outside the church see that as a punishment when actually it's a mercy.  A member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints should understand that we have made covenants with the Lord and because of these covenants we are held, by the Lord, to a certain standard.  Now that she is no longer a member of record she is free from the responsibility to those covenants. She won't have to stand before the Lord and account for herself regarding those covenants because they no longer apply to her.  I would hope she would find that freeing and not a burden.  We are taught in the church that everyone can attend all are welcome and that is true.  There may be some imperfect people who won't be kind but if Katie Kelly choses to attend church she can and should be welcomed.  We recognize that we are all sinners and all equal in the sight of the Lord, so why shouldn't we welcome everyone?   Otherwise it would mean thinking we know better than the Lord.
  
 I hope those from Ordain Women can be happy.  If they cannot then I don't want them to try and take any of my happiness.  Don't try to make me feel like less because I am not the same as a man.  Don't diminish my value because you don't see your own.  If you must go then go quietly and peaceably.  I wish you well. 

Let me end by bearing my testimony.  I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ lives, He loves me and knows me and intercedes for me personally. I know that the Book of Mormon is true and that it testifies of Christ.  I know that the Lord directs His church.  I sustain our Prophet, Seer and Revelator, Thomas S. Monson, his counselors and the other apostles.  I cannot in good conscience do anything different.  I have too much evidence to support my belief and if I were to claim anything else I would be a liar. 

Today's topic. Want versus need.  I hear this most from children.  I need a new toy, I need candy, I need etc. to infinity.  This is because they have learned early from the adults around them that needing something has a high priority.  It means more than I want, I would like or I wish for.  I have worked over the years at recognizing that I should delineate more clearly between my needs and wants.  For the children.  Almost everything as a greater impact if it is for the children.

To be clear there is nothing wrong with wanting something even something you don't really need.  I just am pointing out, there are many things that I need and want and so sometimes the lines can get slightly blurred.  It is so easy to get caught up in life and forgetting what is essential in the face of what is desired.

I need a car to get me to and from.  The hours I work preclude a bus since I have to be at work before the buses run in the morning and I take call, meaning I may be asked to go into work at a moments notice, sometimes late at night. So, I need a car.  I want a Jaguar.  I love them.  The body style, the jaguar hood ornament, the Jag experience, I want it all.  Even though they are expensive and it is said if you are getting a Jaguar you might as well buy two, one to drive and one for spare parts, I still love them.  I don't drive a Jaguar, I drive a Toyota.  It's a very nice Toyota, but it isn't a Jag and never will be.  I am living quite well with that knowing I am lucky to own a car at all.

There are things I think I need like a TV.  I would lose my mind without one.  Oh, I know there are people better than I am who don't own one but I would not do well.  I did live without one for a while when I was a kid. I even grew up without cable.  We were one of the only families in our neighborhood to not have cable.  Four stations, ABC, CBS, NBC and PBS.  That was it. It has only been since my adulthood that I have cable which is one more thing I think I need. So, I think I need a TV and I want a bigger one.  Oh, don't think me shallow, I don't need a huger than huge TV just bigger than the one I have now. Note that without thinking I put need versus want in the last sentence.  Sigh.  

There are things I want like fine china.  I love china and if I had money to buy I would have all the pretty china I wanted.  But, I don't have disposable income for sets of china I may never use.  So, it stays a want.  I know for sure I don't need set after set of fine china but what if I were hosting foreign dignitaries in my humble home (who knows, it could happen) then I would need fine china and could buy some for the occasion. So, yay, something to look forward to!

I have been guilty in the past of buying what I want instead of what I need.  I have many examples.  I am sure some are more significant than this one, but this one was a pivotal moment for me.  Because, it was a factor in beginning my desire to know the difference between need and want.  My sister and I were shopping (if you read my blog you may be aware I don't really like to shop) and I needed new work socks, all of mine were holey.  I call them church socks cause they are holey.  OK, so we are meandering and what do I find but an incense store with all kinds of lovely smells.  So, I spend my budget on incense instead of socks.  My sister pointed out my folly.  And it was an eye opener for me.  It wasn't like I spent the rent money on magic beans but it helped me begin to see things differently. And to start to define in my life my needs versus wants.

I am working with myself on a constant basis to ensure I know the difference between what I need and what I want.  I want and need to set a good example to the children in my life to help them recognize what they really need versus what they want.  This will help them as they travel through life in what I hope are not holey socks.
 

Today's topic, Being Prepared.  I keep seeing all the shows about being prepared for a doomsday.  There may indeed be a doomsday and I try to be prepared.  These preppers stockpile food, fuel, water, guns and ammo. They fear the end of the world and what it means for them.  I am not against their right to do so.  Who knows, they may out survive us all. 

My dad, a man I respect more than almost anyone else, is a quasi prepper.  He has food and water, guns and ammo etc. but he isn't extreme.  He feels that the world is coming to an end and he fears it will be BAD, BAD and that he must be able to defend and protect his family from all comers.  Who can fault his desire keep us safe?  I can't.  If you do then keep it to yourself or we will fight.  Which, frankly, neither of us want.  And come on, how school yard to fight over someone else's right to fight?  That would be silly. 

My dad at various stages has done all kinds of food prep.  He would think to put some food, water, and blankets in our van in case we were stuck somewhere in harsh weather conditions. And that, with dependability of our van always in doubt, was a smart move.  I have eaten my share of dried eggs, when I say my share I mean all my share, they are disgusting and I don't eat them anymore.  I have also had plenty of powdered milk.  My parents used to buy whole milk and cut it with powdered to make it last longer.  They canned fruits and vegetables, cracked wheat and had other food stuffs that we ate. We kept a garden and I miss that part of food prep.  My mom would say go pick some squash, or tomatoes, beans etc. for dinner.  I really miss the fresh vegetables literally from garden to table.

I, myself, also prep.  I have food and water storage, which in hind sight my dad wouldn't want me to disclose because you might come and through force of arms take my food in a crisis.  Of course, most of you live too far away and in the apocalyptic scenario my father envisions you wouldn't be able to afford the fuel to get here.  So, I guess I am OK on that front.  I just wiped the sweat from by brow now that the fear has left me.

People tend to focus on a doomsday outcome.  Though I prep, I  consider myself an any day prepper.  Any day I could suffer a major injury, loose my job, etc.  Isn't it smart to think ahead and be prepared with a little extra?  How can that be bad?  The worst thing that happens is you have extra.  So, I see nothing wrong with being prepared for any day. 

I remember, years ago, hearing a woman speaking about such preparedness.  She, her husband and children had just moved to a new area for her husband's new job.  And just a few months later the company made cuts and he was out of work.  She didn't speak about fear or how bad things were but rather about how happy she was to have been prepared.  She had put aside not just the essentials of food and water, but had put aside things to make treats.  She had thought ahead and put aside chocolate chips, nuts and such.  Come on, who feels deprived while eating a chocolate chip cookie?  I am assuming they didn't have to eat it with a cup of powdered milk.  That would sort of take the shine off the idea.

Recently, I attend a conference on trauma.  I found it very interesting and felt that I learned a lot.  One of the speakers was from the government.  He is head of emergency preparedness and served for Bush and Obama.  He spoke about national preparedness and I could tell he was passionate in his endeavor to think about the what ifs, particularly catastrophic incidents and how to prevent loss of life.  As I listened I couldn't help but think that what if we were more individually prepared?  I don't think that we can foresee or be prepared for everything.  But, everyone of us could have a 72 hour kit for every one in our home an emergency plan for our family.  I have a 72 hour kit, but will admit to you that it needs updating.  There are many websites to go to in order to figure what you need.  They range from simple to elaborate.  I was going to put some in but feel that would be inappropriate.  I don't advocate any.  I just advocate being prepared.  So, if you have interest in a 72 hour kit please peruse the web.


Seriously, any moment of any day our lives could change in way we don't expect.  Any day we could face challenges that we have no idea are on our horizon.  Don't let the doomsday preppers put you off the idea of Any Day.  And if you and I are prepared for any day the resources from churches, the government  and other charitable entities can go further because we are taken care of.  Admit it, Any Day sounds so much nicer if we can face it with out fear.

Today's topic Creationism vs Evolution.  You know there are a lot of people with a lot of ideas about who is right.  Maybe I am crazy, but I don't think just one is right.  Oh, don't mistake me, I absolutely believe that the earth, moon, stars and all things in or on them are created by a loving Father in Heaven.  However, I have no problem believing He used science, particularly since He invented it, to create our world. 
 
Disclaimer: Many of the things I will address in this post come from my LDS roots, but I do not represent the LDS church. Though colored by my relgious views I have my own thoughts and ideas.

So, evolution says there was a big bang and over billions of years we became what we are from nothing to a single cell, to complex creatures.  Creation says there is a God who created us and the world for us which to some is far fetched.  I find evolution harder to swallow than the idea that an Omnipotent being creating everything.

For some reason most of us assume it is all or nothing.  Either we came from nothing until a big bang or we came from nothing until God created us. The scriptures tell us God created the world in six days.  Some may have a problem with what I am about to say, but I don't care.  I believe that to make it easy on us lesser beings that God called his creative periods days.  You know as I wrote the words lesser beings, which we are, I was struck that even so our Father in Heaven loves us and wants us to be happy.  So much so that He created this beautiful, magnificent planet and has let us come here to learn.  Since, in the beginning there was no earth to rotate every 24 hours there was no day. So, who is to say what he meant by using the word day?  

 I don't believe that it is all or nothing. I believe God used science to create. He understands and uses the laws of science.  He has absolute knowledge of how to make those laws work at His will. When I hear people question how old the earth is by our best science vs what the scriptures say I get a little irritated. I have thought about the scriptures and miracles. The miracle of turning water into wine, the loaves and fishes etc. They all started with something. Meaning, the water was turned into wine it didn't just appear. The loaves and fishes fed a multitude with baskets left over even though there was really only enough to feed a hand full and instead fed thousands. The thought that there may have been materials available for God to create with makes sense to me. 

 Who says He created the earth out of nothing? I can't think of a miracle where something came out of nothing. I know of miracles that we know little about how they were accomplished such as manna from Heaven. We just know that it would be there in the mornings. How it got there I don't know but since it is called manna from Heaven I have an idea.  

As to learning we think we know better.  You know, we have been to college, we have high tech devices at our finger tips (while I write this I mean literally) we send people into space, we can perform surgery in utero.  I mean we can do amazing, incredible things.  We are so advanced so much smarter than our ancestors.  We get smarter every day.  Except that that is what we really think. We aren't smarter, we just know more, which is different.  So, of course we don't think that God could know more than we.  After all we are sophisticated and wise. 

One of my problems with the theory of evolution is why didn't every thing evolve?  Why did we become human but crocodiles stay basically the same for millions of years?  We are supposed to believe natural selection made us men and women and cats, well cats.  Genetic mutations created us not an Omnipotent Omniscient being.  To be clear a big bang, a single cell, to single cells living in groups to simple sea creatures, and yada yada yada here I am!  I still find that more far fetched than a higher power. 

I was just struck by the notion evolution tells us how, natural selection, and Heavenly Father teaches us why.  Moses 1:39 "For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."

So, we have a how and we have a why.  In my head I keep thinking about children and their favorite question.  It isn't how, it is why.  Why would we choose to believe that we just happened instead of we are children of a loving Father in Heaven?  I can't think of a good reason why.

Today's topic, Words.  You may have figured that I love to talk.  Whether writing or actually speaking I enjoy expressing myself.  And what do I use?  Words.  I don't have the largest vocabulary but I feel it is varied enough.  I seem to get by and make myself understood. 

My sister and I have a couple of word games we play.  One (won) is words that sound alike but (butt) are spelled differently like pare and pear or metal and mettle.  We (wee) go back and forth texting each other word pairs (pear, pare) and of course (coarse) trying to (two, too) out do (dew, due) each other.  It is a fun to think about words while (wile) I (eye, aye) am reading.  I will sometimes examine all (awl) the words and try to see (sea) if there (their they're) is one I can find a sound alike for (fore,four).  Sometimes this is easy and others not (knot) so (sew) much.  But, you (ewe) get my drift I am sure. 

Another game we play is words spelled the same but pronounced differently depending on the context.  Like a bow in your hair or taking a bow.  There are a lot of these. We tend to fight over one word.  I see it in the same light as read as in read (red) a book and read (reed) as in read the sign.  Live as in I live in the US or live as in the show is live.  To me it is the same meaning different tense.  But she says no and has some support.  Yes, we have discussed this with other people.  And, yes, I know what this means, we are truly geeks. (I just thought of one for our other game, what and watt, I don't think we have used that before) Anyway, these are harmless mental exercises that hopefully keep us sharp.  That is the dream. 

Unfortunately, I can be sometimes unthinking when I speak. Is anyone shocked?  Something that I do is combine words.  I was talking about getting some fun magnets for work to put up on a wall we have that is magnetized.  Without thinking I combined the word fun and the word magnets.  Fagments, came out of my mouth. The sad part is a gay friend was present when I said fagments.  His head whipped around and I realized that he had been called that word and was attuned to it and what it means.  You know the one. The other sad part is I don't think to use that word ever. I am kind of strange that way.  If I don't like you or want to insult you then I find something in your character or behavior to insult.  I don't think in terms of racial slurs or who you are slurs, unless you are a jerk.  But if you are a jerk I have never and I mean never thought, "Oh, that asinine (insert racial or other slur)."  I will admit as a teen trying to add stuff like that in but it just never felt right.  I will identify your sex like that "asinine man or woman".  Political correctness has nothing to do with this.  If I don't like you I have reasons that have nothing to do with your skin color or sexual orientation etc.  You can try to blame it on something like that.  Wouldn't that be nice for all of us and be a huge out.  Oh, she doesn't like me cause I am what ever.  You wish. 

Recently, I word combined with a better result.  I posted this on FB but will relive the moment in my blog.  My sister and I were discussing Bambi.  She talked about how he starts off this kind of wimpy kid who grows up to be something of a bad a**.  He takes a bullet and keeps going, that is awesome.  But she lamented that his name was still Bambi.  I suggested it should be Bambo.  Clever?  I know. 

We often hear the pen is mightier than the sword.  This is from a play titled Richelieu; The Conspiracy, by Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton (yes that is his name).  I would have attributed this to Benjamin Franklin or Thomas Payne or some such.  But thanks to the Internet I know to whom the credit goes.  We are also told actions speak louder than words. This little homily is attributed in different but similar forms to several but was used in a speech by Abraham Lincoln and so I am going to give him some credit.  Again, thank you Internet.  So, here we have two opposing views, the pen is mightier than the sword and actions speak louder than words.  I find both to be true. 

The written word has toppled governments, look Watergate.  There was no civil war, no blood shed to speak of.  Yet the rippling effect is still there.  There have been many "gates" since the infamous Watergate but none really like the first.

Then you have all the people we are surrounded by that tell us how we should live, what we should do but there actions don't quite match their rhetoric.  They seem to know what is best for all of us but feel they are exempt.  I could wax profound with political examples of this from either side of the aisle for hours.  But, I won't.  This isn't about politicians.  I will give a true example from my own life.  Not a personal one, Holy Cow, I don't want to be that introspective right now!  I was on the road and saw a Suburban, you know the biggest SUV you can buy with a bumper sticker reading "Vote Environmental ".  Now, part of my believes the owner had a sense of humor, but another part of me has seen  hypocrisy so often I kind of think it was serious.  I didn't speak with them so will never really know. 

I will continue on in my love of words, I will never be a true logophile but will do my version of it as long as I can think.  Which, honestly, as I get older is less and less. Bummer.

Today's topic My Odyssey.  Almost without meaning to I participated in an Odyssey.  The definition of an odyssey is a long series of wanderings or adventures, especially when filled with notable experiences, hardships etc.  Any long eventful journey can be defined as an odyssey.  My adventure had been eventful, filled with sorrow and joy.  Though the actual trip in miles hasn't been far the richness of the experiences have seemed to be worth thousands of miles.

I have often referred to my career, but for the purpose of this blog post will make it very clear what I do.  I have been a registered nurse for just over 20 years. In those 20 years I have seen life and death over and over.  I know many dead people.  That is blunt, but so true. I have seen people lose their battle with death.  I have also had the opportunity to see people triumph over death. It is always a spiritual moment for me.  In a way I can't really articulate fully death can also be a spiritual moment.  To aide a family in saying good bye or giving permission for a loved one to go is a privilege and should be held in some reverence.

 The "people" I work with are children.  I see them win or lose their battles, usually with cancer, but not always.  Hearts, kidneys, lungs, brains all can betray their purpose and end a life before it has really begun.  Often when I tell people I am a pediatric nurse with a sub specialty in hematology/oncology they are impressed in some way or another.  I am grateful to make an impact.  I am so grateful to be able to affect people and their perceptions of life and death and what it means to the children and their families. 

I wasn't one of the idealistic nurses who wanted to change the world.  I over the years I have worked with some and they are so dedicated and willing to sacrifice.  They build loving relationships with those they serve and make great efforts to ease suffering here and abroad.  These are exceptional people, people with visions of a better world.  I can only stand in awe of their willingness to go beyond themselves.  They set a tremendous example and leave a lasting impression on those they meet and those they serve.

I just want to make a difference in the moment.  I don't know that I aspire to change the world but I admire and sometimes have a slight envy for those who do.  I just want to make things better if I can here and now.  My plan, whether I fail or succeed, every shift I work is to do something worthwhile for those I have been assigned to.  Don't think too much of me, I piss and moan and think, please don't assign me this or that patient or disease process.  I gripe and complain to my co-workers.  I am far from perfect.  That aside, my goal is to treat everyone like they are important to me personally, I want them to know I will go the extra mile for them.  I do that as often as I possibly can. 

I try to do this without getting too close emotionally.  This is tricky, tricky.  I love the ones I serve even when I don't like them so well.  I can't describe to you all the adorable things children say and do.  I wish I could open my mind, literally, so you could peer in and see all my memories of children sick some sick enough to die.  The are so resilient.  I think it is because they don't know any other way to be.  They don't know that not every child goes to the hospital to be poked, prodded, woken at odd hours and have no privacy.  So, they just do it. 

To many of them I am a wanderer, someone they meet in passing.  The hope being they will get better and I won't see them again.  I use that as a bit of humor when I discharge patients that are just there for something that probably won't bring them back.  I say " I hope I don't see you again"  I always say it in context and in a way the child and their parents know it's a joke.  It has always been taken well.  We even move on to "well maybe if we run into each other in the mall".

A few years ago I was in a restaurant close to the hospital and while there I saw one of our patients with his parents.  I spoke briefly to the dad and said something like "do you remember me?".  I hadn't taken care of them often but had seen them come in for treatment.  The dad said something I didn't see coming or expect or even remember.  He said "Of course I remember you, you saved my son's life!"  I had forgotten, can you believe that?  I had forgotten that I saw a deadly situation and intervened quickly.  As I write this, I am reviewing again in my minds eye the event.  I did something that parent saw as life saving.  I knew the situation was serious and needed immediate action and I took the appropriate steps.  I just didn't see the impact on how I would be seen.  I would love to take credit and stand with chest thrust out, hands on my hips and say with a mixture of cockiness and humility, "Why, yes, I did!!"  The reality is just as I described, I identified a problem and intervened.  Maybe that's why I didn't remember immediately what had happened. 

It's funny my odyssey has taught me about people about the world and about myself.  I have learned that I am not as good or as bad as I sometimes see myself.  I hope that you in your travels through life get some of the same joys, that you get to learn about yourself and what you can do.  More I hope at those times when you are feeling down that you will have a chance to see yourself as others see you.  What they see and what you think they see may wind up being so, so different.

Today's topic, Death.  I have been thinking about death this month. There are so many thoughts and ideas swirling through my head right now. I don't know if I can capture everything and express it in any meaningful way.   But, I am going to try.

 A few of people I know are facing death right now.   Because a couple of them are patients of mine I cannot speak in any detail about their experiences. Just know that they are young, but old enough to know what death is.  My Grandfather, who I am named for, is also staring death in the face. A friend just asked me what Mormons believe happens when we die.  Lastly, my sister died a couple of years ago around this time.  All these things combined have really got this morbid topic upper most in my mind.   

Where to begin?  First my thoughts about death.  My religious beliefs have really shaped how I see death.  I have always believed that we existed as spirits before we came to earth.  We were created by our Father in Heaven.  We come to earth to gain a body and to be tested, or if you prefer to learn.  When our time here is done, our spirits and bodies are separated.  Our body buried and our spirits return to Heaven, where depending on our choices we are sent to either spirit prison or paradise.  Once the Savior, Jesus Christ, comes back to earth, the resurrection will begin.  Everyone, regardless of belief in God, good or bad behavior will be resurrected.  After we have been resurrected, meaning our bodies and spirits are reunited in a perfected body, we will be judged according to our actions, our faithfulness and then sent to a degree of glory depending on how worthy or unworthy we have been. Trust that this is a quick, incomplete nutshell of my beliefs about the life and death process. 

Because, I have  deep faith that there is a God in the Heavens, a reason to be here and know what happens after death I don't think death is the worse thing that could happen.  That doesn't mean I like it or that I don't get sad when people die.  However, I have a great sense of peace about death not being the end.  I have long ago accepted that families can be together forever.  There is a reason we often refer to God as our Heavenly Father, the Father or Father in Heaven. We live in family groups here because that is the order of things.  It makes no sense to me to love so deeply and be so committed to our families only to be separated by death never to see each other again.  We will live with our families in the next life.

At the moment of death our loved ones who have passed, for lack of a better phrase, come to pick us up.  We often hear of people near death talking to or about people that have passed as if they were in the room.  I submit that they are.  Just because we don't see them doesn't mean that they aren't present and even communicating with the one dying. 

My sister Dee's death is something I haven't really written about.  I talk about it openly, I don't try to clean it up or make it sound less harsh, I just say she committed suicide.  When it first happened two years ago, needless to say it was devastating.  We, as a family, sat around a waiting room in a hospital for what seemed like weeks but was really just a few days.  We sat, paced, cried and prayed while we waited to find out if there was any hope for her to live.  I remember the first time I tried to sleep after I visited her in the hospital, I just lay awake for hours, with the thought, my sister is dead, running around and around in my mind like a broken record, over and over again.  Being a nurse I knew she was gone, being a woman of faith, I also knew that if it was the Lord's will she could recover completely. 

To take care of myself through this I have chosen what some may consider a selfish course. But, I don't care.  I didn't know if I would survive intact if I didn't make my own way.  So, I talk about her suicide when I want, to whomever I want and say what I want to say about it.  I don't care if others are comfortable with the topic or not or what they want to know, I just say whatever.  That being said I am not crazy, I don't feel like it is for me to discuss this with my patients or their families, nor do I go around harassing strangers with tales of my sister's suicide.

Oh, and one more thing, do me a favor and don't kill yourself.   Please, suicide, as my Aunt Bonnie said so succinctly, is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.   If someone reading this and is thinking about hurting themselves, Stop! There is help and there is a way out. I don't have all the answers, despite the rumors to the contrary.  But I know personally how absolutely painful and senseless it is to see someone decide to end it all.  I know, personally, how devastating it is to lose someone in such a useless way.  I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through what my family and I have gone through. 

I think that death is a part of our cycle of existence.  In some ways it could be celebrated.  Not like having a party with balloons and a banner saying "So and So is dead, let's paint the town red."  But with solemnity, recognizing that someone has finished their course, they fought the good fight and done what the Lord sent them here to do.  They are free from pain and sorrow and have returned home to be with their Father in Heaven, their Savior Jesus Christ and the family that have gone on before.  How can that be anything but a reason to rejoice?  

Yet, it is so very hard in the moment.  When we realize that they are not here with us, we can't just pick up the phone and call, we won't see them again until we die can be overwhelming.  When we see the injustice of time cut short through circumstances that seem so unfair, it is difficult to understand why.  I can see how hard it would be for someone who doesn't have any confidence that this is not the end to find peace or to make sense of death.  How very painful it must be to face death of a loved one with no knowledge of what comes next.     

Death is part of life, we start dying the moment we are born or so they say.  If that is true then let's make every day a day to relish and enjoy. Let's make the most of our time.  Do something worth while, something that no matter when you go, you will know you made the world a little better even if you are the only one who knows it. 

Today's topic How dumb am I supposed to be? OK, I have been trying so hard to keep my cool about our present political environment but I just can't take it anymore.

My concerns today are thus:

1. Taxing the rich. I don't want to defend rich people. I want to defend myself.  Every time taxes are raised on the so called rich, I pay. I get a smaller raise, if any, pay more for goods and services while getting less product. Or to save money companies lay off or fire employees which means I have to do more in my community with fewer resources. The government takes taxes and spend as they see fit. They seem to think they know better how to spend my money. Like 800,000 on a conference and more recently 6,000,000. I hear people say that these are a drop in the bucket when compared to what we really spend as a nation. Maybe they are a "drop in the bucket" but drop by drop the bucket is filled. Frankly, we are talking almost 7,000,000 dollars and you can't convince me that that is so little it barely matters. Let me tell you, if I had 7,000,000 dollars of other peoples money to spend with impunity I could do some serious good for the community. I could put kids in college, send them to learn about other cultures, pay for their medicines. The list of the good that could be done with no one putting their hand in the pot can be as broad as our country.

2.  Our President not doing his job. I know it is time to run for re-election and he wants to win. I wish someone would tell him something that helps you win is actually being presidential. You know doing things like defending our country. We have been attacked in 27 countries starting on the anniversary of 9/11 and he wants me to believe it was because of a video that was out since June. Right. Oh, and requests from our now dead ambassador for more security were denied. I am supposed to believe that our President is so genius and so awesome that he can think rings around me and yet he can't put this together. The same President that jumped to conclusions regarding several situations suddenly wants to wait and gather facts. To this day there has been no securing of our embassy, no investigation, no facts. I am supposed to believe he doesn't have time to talk with anyone be they foe or ally at the recent UN conference but he does have time to appear on the View. He can talk to our allies on the phone. He can skip intelligence briefings. He can fly here and there campaigning and still run the country. Because he is so awesome. Yet, it seems like things are falling apart. I feel like he is either stupid, or a closet drunk. Maybe both.

3. I am so tired, because I am a conservative, of being labeled a racist, homophobic, ignorant, and greedy. I am none of these things. I just understand that I am responsible for my own self and after I make sure I have my crap together, I need to help others with theirs. I am tired of hearing if I don't support everything a certain group is for I hate them. I am not allowed a different opinion or thoughts on a topic, if I am not spewing the party line then I am a hater. I don't care if you are a person of color or gay. I will like your or dislike you according to how you act, you know the content of your character matters to me.

4.  Somehow it is wrong of me to want to keep the money I earn. I work hard, I earn my pay and I should be able to decide how to lift up my fellow citizens in need.  Every time, I hear some politician talk about some government program as free, I want to scream.  Nothing is free, it is coming out of someones bank account. Mine, yours, ours.  Our government thinks they know better how to use our money.  It is like the inmates are running the asylum. That makes me crazy. There are some many politicians with their faces in the feeding trough, glutting themselves off our hard work while those in need go without and the conservatives are blamed. They really do like to keep people dependent, if the dependents were actually able to lift themselves up they wouldn't need these greedy parasites who say they are helping while pushing down the down trodden. If people really understood how insidious and pervasive the system of dependency was they would be so outraged we would vote them all out and start over.

Well, I think I got most of what I wanted off my chest.  At least, I feel better.  You may or may not agree with me.  I just wanted to state some things as I see them. I will end by saying that no actual politians were harmed in the typing of this blog.