Today's topic My Odyssey.  Almost without meaning to I participated in an Odyssey.  The definition of an odyssey is a long series of wanderings or adventures, especially when filled with notable experiences, hardships etc.  Any long eventful journey can be defined as an odyssey.  My adventure had been eventful, filled with sorrow and joy.  Though the actual trip in miles hasn't been far the richness of the experiences have seemed to be worth thousands of miles.

I have often referred to my career, but for the purpose of this blog post will make it very clear what I do.  I have been a registered nurse for just over 20 years. In those 20 years I have seen life and death over and over.  I know many dead people.  That is blunt, but so true. I have seen people lose their battle with death.  I have also had the opportunity to see people triumph over death. It is always a spiritual moment for me.  In a way I can't really articulate fully death can also be a spiritual moment.  To aide a family in saying good bye or giving permission for a loved one to go is a privilege and should be held in some reverence.

 The "people" I work with are children.  I see them win or lose their battles, usually with cancer, but not always.  Hearts, kidneys, lungs, brains all can betray their purpose and end a life before it has really begun.  Often when I tell people I am a pediatric nurse with a sub specialty in hematology/oncology they are impressed in some way or another.  I am grateful to make an impact.  I am so grateful to be able to affect people and their perceptions of life and death and what it means to the children and their families. 

I wasn't one of the idealistic nurses who wanted to change the world.  I over the years I have worked with some and they are so dedicated and willing to sacrifice.  They build loving relationships with those they serve and make great efforts to ease suffering here and abroad.  These are exceptional people, people with visions of a better world.  I can only stand in awe of their willingness to go beyond themselves.  They set a tremendous example and leave a lasting impression on those they meet and those they serve.

I just want to make a difference in the moment.  I don't know that I aspire to change the world but I admire and sometimes have a slight envy for those who do.  I just want to make things better if I can here and now.  My plan, whether I fail or succeed, every shift I work is to do something worthwhile for those I have been assigned to.  Don't think too much of me, I piss and moan and think, please don't assign me this or that patient or disease process.  I gripe and complain to my co-workers.  I am far from perfect.  That aside, my goal is to treat everyone like they are important to me personally, I want them to know I will go the extra mile for them.  I do that as often as I possibly can. 

I try to do this without getting too close emotionally.  This is tricky, tricky.  I love the ones I serve even when I don't like them so well.  I can't describe to you all the adorable things children say and do.  I wish I could open my mind, literally, so you could peer in and see all my memories of children sick some sick enough to die.  The are so resilient.  I think it is because they don't know any other way to be.  They don't know that not every child goes to the hospital to be poked, prodded, woken at odd hours and have no privacy.  So, they just do it. 

To many of them I am a wanderer, someone they meet in passing.  The hope being they will get better and I won't see them again.  I use that as a bit of humor when I discharge patients that are just there for something that probably won't bring them back.  I say " I hope I don't see you again"  I always say it in context and in a way the child and their parents know it's a joke.  It has always been taken well.  We even move on to "well maybe if we run into each other in the mall".

A few years ago I was in a restaurant close to the hospital and while there I saw one of our patients with his parents.  I spoke briefly to the dad and said something like "do you remember me?".  I hadn't taken care of them often but had seen them come in for treatment.  The dad said something I didn't see coming or expect or even remember.  He said "Of course I remember you, you saved my son's life!"  I had forgotten, can you believe that?  I had forgotten that I saw a deadly situation and intervened quickly.  As I write this, I am reviewing again in my minds eye the event.  I did something that parent saw as life saving.  I knew the situation was serious and needed immediate action and I took the appropriate steps.  I just didn't see the impact on how I would be seen.  I would love to take credit and stand with chest thrust out, hands on my hips and say with a mixture of cockiness and humility, "Why, yes, I did!!"  The reality is just as I described, I identified a problem and intervened.  Maybe that's why I didn't remember immediately what had happened. 

It's funny my odyssey has taught me about people about the world and about myself.  I have learned that I am not as good or as bad as I sometimes see myself.  I hope that you in your travels through life get some of the same joys, that you get to learn about yourself and what you can do.  More I hope at those times when you are feeling down that you will have a chance to see yourself as others see you.  What they see and what you think they see may wind up being so, so different.